IGOR II

 IGOR II

Hey everyone! So as opposed to my previous entries this one shall be more personal in nature for...reflection purposes. Initially I did a video recording of myself lamenting on the plethoric pockets of events that made flux my otherwise monotonous life, but unfortunately that has since been washed away by waves of cringe and winds of "on second thought, let me just not upload that". Godsend, for the pen is always mightier than the...vocal sword.  

Put bluntly, 2021 has been an absolute shit show and is arguably one of the worst years time has so cunningly bequeathed upon me. Literally felt like I was being dragged through shards of exponentially fading colors, only to wound up abandoned in endless black. Vibrancy first faded midyear when real loss crippled me - when she left. I've had my fair share of people cutting me of before but this one feels...raw, more surreal and somehow less sorrowful because, well, 

I didn't want it to be real. And now, I don't want it to be real.  

It is humorous how l always seem to push people away. No matter how hard I try, the genuinity and devotion, those that I care for seems to slip away between cracks agitated by my emotional transparency. I have manifested a world where time invested and emotions poured proves all at once nullifiable so long as I reveal my true self. My thoughts, beliefs and values ought to remain lurking in the vast shadow birthed from an otherwise bright and cynical facade. 

Why did you let me go? After everything that I've done, everything that we went through together...did that mean nothing? Push and pull, yes, but did my tug justify the total void of contact all these months? Self-blame continues to consume me, and every day I pray that by some miracle we will speak again. Puppeteered by strings laced by a blinded fool, I continue to yearn for a once beautiful friendship to be restored. I treasured it, and nothing can take away the memories created all these years I've known you. But exhaustion has overwhelmed me, yet the wicked is unable to rest. 

The sequel continues when my soul was sold to the motherland. My sentiment for National Service remains unshaken (#coverandconscription#shamelessplug), but hot damn is OCS stressful. Think BMT cranked up tenfold served with a side rigid regimentation, discipline and an unhealthy dosage of outfield exercises. That said, I am grateful for this opportunity and as mentally draining the trainings are, I do feel myself undergoing heaps of personal growth. 

First stepping foot into SAFTI left me limping on incompetency - even giving simple foot drill commands got me riddled with frustration. I was really insecure that I would never be able to hold a candle to my other cadets, becoming a liability that hindered the platoon's progress. Tango was my shepherd, and honestly one of the most memorable and meaningful 3 months I've spent anywhere. From my unceasingly patient instructors to the unbreakable camaraderie of the platoon, boisterous laughter echoed throughout the communal corridor as I felt myself becoming more adaptable with the once alien environment, and more confident in my skills and abilities. 

Honestly, I was devastated when my PC announced my ranking among my platoon mates. Id thought I would at least clutched second but I was painted bronze instead, a dull shimmer that has taunted me for the remaining weeks of my service term. Its already dull radiance dimmed further when  my posting was revealed, and the already disheartened cadet broke down in the parade square. Cried like a little bitch boy for real, and disappointment divulged me that day. My instructors, my platoon mates and cardinally myself...all cracked under the weight of my incapability to be more. The blood shed and sweat poured throughout my trainings suddenly amounted to nothingness, and any attempted encouragement from those around me echoed distantly and faded into black...

But as time marches on, and amiss such sad events an epiphany aroused. The afterthoughts are always refreshing, and it revealed societal famine. I realised that I will never be enough, nor anyone for that matter. Be it a friend or a solider, there is always another trudge towards epitome. Towards perfection. I don't care. Nothing can take away the memories forged between us, cerebral ripples that continue to brighten my day as they float back unconsciously. I would like to think that I have helped ou with your struggles and have left a positive impact onto you, and if this is the endgame then...well, its all worth it. I hope my time in army has too left the same influence, and those around me have been inspired to be tackle greater challenges and overcome their adversities. 

2021 has been an uneasy year, yes, but after everything that I've been through it seems but a nightmarish figment now for I am awake... but still groggy and dazed, helplessly hoping for the years ahead to get better, and wordlessly watching it fail. 

Even spiderman was a disappointment :(

- Molly