ha ha heartbreak

When the words weigh heavy on the heart. It pulsates in agony, aching with every new beat. It is painful to listen, but the sound of empty flesh has become a familiar tune these days. Its futile attempts to resuscitate apparent death are moments I could die for. I appreciate the effort. It isn't easy to dance to the symphony of this lifeless rhythm, but my legs jump higher with each fresh chord. A corpse cast to masquerade in a sea of lively bodies. It tries its best to adapt to the distortion. To adapt to the change. But sorrow calls, and it performs with silent screams.

A great sadness has reduced me to its slave. I am a puppet pulled by strings of cruel fate. The road ahead twists with self-inflicted obstacles - shards of sweet memories tear mercilessly at my flesh while fragments of a past life lay vivid, threatening to shed more blood. Please don't make me take another step. I want to feel every inch of these jagged pieces against my skin and relieve what once was. To swallow them whole and immortalise those happier moments. They shall be with me forever, even if I bleed for them. 

My body has betrayed me. I do not wish to experience the depths of heartbreak but here I am, alone at the bottom of a hateful sea. I used to believe that our emotions exist within the confines of reason. How then can I begin to understand my thoughts if whatever happened remains irrational and unjustified? What then are these emotions swimming so vitally in my veins? Only now, when I am thrown into the deep end by my own consciousness and left to rot in these melancholic waters, can I see clearly. My anger exists beyond reason. Choosing to drown is within my control.  

I will bury my being in this seabed and close my eyes, listening to the sound of grains coursing through. Like little, annoying beads of fallacies resisting me from going further down. The crunching gets unbearably loud, but I must dig deeper. I must find solitude here, away from the world above. I have nothing left to lose on the surface that I haven't already lost. 

A barrage of emotions suffocates my mind whenever I am given space to breathe. Familiar spaces have turned bitter and cold. Friendly faces become mangled and strange as if they withhold dirty secrets from me. Echoed laughter and hush whispers radiate through the unfamiliar campus. Every step now feels heavy, like the ground would crack under the weight of my suffering. I flinch at the thought of seeing her around. I must make a good impression again. The pressure rises and transforms my mind into a thriving ecosystem for anxiety - I must survive from this mental predator. Every action must be deliberate. Every word must be perfect. 

But I never find these words. Would the outcome be any different if I told her once more how much she meant to me? Vocabulary turns meaningless in her presence, and I struggle to find the right things to say. I am jealous of the sun able to kiss her soft lips as it highlights the perfectly imperfect details of her face. I envy the atmosphere around her for I crave a mere fraction of the life she breathes in the darkest of environments. But these words and their shallow meanings disappoint me, and my frustration grows trying to grasp language that isn't there. Language that cannot capture how I feel. 

And so I turn to anger - a loyal servant to my command. Violent fantasies start to excite this creature drunk on bloodlust. To use their skin as my drums of war, thumping to the melody of screams and laughter. Organs will decorate the battlefield, and I alone will prevail. Alone sitting on my throne of tainted flesh and brittle bones. My wrath. My primal arousal. My euphoria. 

But till its claws are stained red, till it feasts on the trembling flesh and tastes their fear, the mad creature will never be satiated. He is lost and led only by the dark stars in a darker universe. But maybe where he is going he doesn't need eyes to see. 

It is getting harder each day to remember who I am, and harder still to remember what I once was. I am desperate for her warmth, for her perfect words, for her validation. I will love you in silence, for in silence I face no rejection. I will love you in my dreams, for my dreams will never end. And I will love you alone, for in isolation no one else has you but me. Meet me in the woods and hold my hand once more, and we can walk to the ends of the Earth together. 

Perhaps we can start with one of those boat rides in Venice.